That is my sad affiliation with this man. He is my father. I wish he was not but the universe made it so in spite of me. I use to enjoy his company when I was little. He was fun and I was truly happy. Even though my ignorance created my bliss I enjoyed all that it had to offer. As I got older he became more strict with me. This transition was rough but I felt I handled it alright. But along the way the bullshit my dad has done became more apparent to me and I began to despise him.
He is an analytical, judgmental, bi-polar asshole that will take everything from my past that I have done wrong and use it against me. I do not want him to praise me for what I do right, like I did as a child, but if he could not be an asshole about everything then that would be great too. He yells and gets me upset and then the next minute he is all better. He talks shit about me and instantly he feels better yet I am the one feeling like crap. Sometimes he does praise me but his insults bring me down many more levels then his praise is ever worth. I use to still love him since he is my father. I use to seem him as God and I couldn't say anything ill will toward him. But recent events have drawn my eyes to a new light. My father (excuse the cussing) is a fucking piece of shit that needs to stop getting me angry for his own fucking pleasure just because he gets made for every fucking thing and he tells me I need to get my demons out yet he is the fucking demon messing up my life. He is a fucking piss ant that can fuck off and go to hell. I am done with all the shit that comes with being his son. And whether I go to college, campus, die or whatever. If I am away from him I could careless about what happens in the after life. Because after the experience I have had with this man then I can say that anything is better than his shit. On a side note I swear he wants to fight me when he is mad. If he ever does I am sadden to say that I would fight him back if it ever got to that point. Hatred is a sad thing that can conquer what use to be love & respect.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Respect is not gained
I write this knowing that people will assume an event just occurred in my life where respect was an issue. Those people have assumed right though. While I was getting yelled at an yelling over something petty I realized that the argument has divulge from "Who messed up my charger" to "Why are you not respecting me". Apparently I must respect someone because of their status even though they treat me like dirt. How can I respect someone who sees me as crap regardless of what I do (i.e. my father). I mean I guess I should respect everyone who says I won't make it in life and I am going to fail. I mean I would love to respect someone that talks behind my back to insult me.
There is one event I recall that made me realize how different I am from my family. When we were watching one of those award shows one night we all sat in the living room to watch it. Now granted I was 7 or 8 but I still remember it quite clearly. The three members of my family say on the couch together to watch it and I sat separately from them. I realized how perfect the family would be if it was just the three of them. I felt that I did not belong. I still think that now. I had a secret hope that I was adopted so it could explain my temperament. The answer is hatred. I have a deep seeded hatred for my parents that I was never able to express until I was 17 years of age. They have said stuff to me that would make any normal person despise them for the rest of their lives. It is partly my fault for not expressing my sentiment whenever they got me mad. They got to express how mad they were all the time yet I had to keep quiet. If I talked back, regardless of my volume, I would be yelled at for being disrespectful. I guess that is why I cry. I cry because I cannot let out my anger by yelling. All the rage I have held in for 17+ years is transferred to tears because I have never been a confrontational person. This realization made me realize that I do not care if you are my friend, buddy, girlfriend, best friend, sister, mother or father, if you do not respect me and you are able to talk bad about me to and behind my face then do not expect me to do the same. I cannot care less if you are my family or not. Respect is Respect. It is a universal thing. On a side note I really hate my dad.
There is one event I recall that made me realize how different I am from my family. When we were watching one of those award shows one night we all sat in the living room to watch it. Now granted I was 7 or 8 but I still remember it quite clearly. The three members of my family say on the couch together to watch it and I sat separately from them. I realized how perfect the family would be if it was just the three of them. I felt that I did not belong. I still think that now. I had a secret hope that I was adopted so it could explain my temperament. The answer is hatred. I have a deep seeded hatred for my parents that I was never able to express until I was 17 years of age. They have said stuff to me that would make any normal person despise them for the rest of their lives. It is partly my fault for not expressing my sentiment whenever they got me mad. They got to express how mad they were all the time yet I had to keep quiet. If I talked back, regardless of my volume, I would be yelled at for being disrespectful. I guess that is why I cry. I cry because I cannot let out my anger by yelling. All the rage I have held in for 17+ years is transferred to tears because I have never been a confrontational person. This realization made me realize that I do not care if you are my friend, buddy, girlfriend, best friend, sister, mother or father, if you do not respect me and you are able to talk bad about me to and behind my face then do not expect me to do the same. I cannot care less if you are my family or not. Respect is Respect. It is a universal thing. On a side note I really hate my dad.
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