A True Story

Disclamer
Hello everyone from the interwebs I hope you are having a good day/night. The start of this story comes with a disclamer because I want you all to know that this will about my family and my current living situation. I am hoping that this story will bring you insight on not only my life but the depressing things I had to go through since childhood. I also wont use their names to protect them. So with that let's get started.

brief intro on me lead into family
I'll talk more about me later but here is a little about me. My name is Stefan Jeanpierre, a 21 year old haitian male that lived a majority of his life in Stafford, VA. I am infatuated with I currently live in Boca Raton Florida which I wouldn't say has been an easy transition given my parents' nature but I somehow keep my sanity by fueling this dream I have to acquire the freedom and happines I know we all deserve. Now let me talk about the one person I love more then myself and that will be my sister.

My sister is my best friend and confidant. I trust her with almost everything going on in my life because we grew up with the same emotional abuse brought to us by our parents. We shared feelings of worthlessness and abadonment by being there for each other. I grew stronger through our moments of weakness, however, my sister has not. She is severly depressed which is the result of a number of things. The first one actually comes from being abused from our cousin/adopted brother Lucino (I used his name cause he is shit beneath my shoe at this point). He lived with us for a year and the whole time the three with us were together he was sexually harassing her. I'm not sure how old I was but I know i was too young to remember. When I learned about this 10+ years later I was so disgusted and upset with myself for not knowing anything about it at the time. I curse my age and the fact that such events happened for a whole year without my knowledge. my sister tried to reassure me that I was just too young to be aware, and maybe she is right. nevertheless, if i see him again he is getting pounded into the ground with great fury. id beat him within an inch of his life thats how angry this makes me. The second things that is the cause of her depression (and coincidently my own) are the parentals.
my mom
The second most important person in my life. I  would live and die for her for she was there for me when no one else was. No matter how much I love her though, her parenting style was not an easy one to deal with. The most important thing to note is how over protective she was. I was barred from many social activities as a kid. I never got to go to a sleepover, stay at a friends house for more then an hour and other things most kids my age would do to learn how to be sociable. she didnt care how i felt as long as i was within her realm of control, and as long as I did well in school. To her, anything less then an A was unacceptable. It didn't matter how hard i tried, if she didnt see me work hard she didnt believe that I worked at all. She had no trust in me growing up, in my later years ive done things deserving of that, and to this day i cant understand where it all started from. But in her heart i know she just wants the best for me. I am not deserving of her love but id do anything to make her happy. She kept me in the house once we moved to florida after my dead has tried to kick me out multiple times. Speaking of the bastard let's transition to him.
my biological father
Imagine the most extreme, bipolar narcisstic, unapathetic, cynical human being you can think of. Give that man the silver medal in the league of assholes because my father has claimed the gold for over two decades now. One thing i want to note is that this man calls himself a mother fucker in relation to his parenting style. He takes pride in it. To help paint a picture I will highlight the events that stood out to me the most when growing up. The first thing i remember was when I was playing the new mario kart on nintendo 64 and my father wanted to practice my cursive. I was doing everything right but i was having trouble with the f. For some reason I would make the captial case f lowercased and the lowercase f lowercased. I'm sure it was because I was rushing to play more games but thats normal for all kids in similar situations; my fathers reaction was most abnormal. He banned me from playing video games, watching tv, go outside, or use the computer except for school after that day on school nights. This lasted until i got into high school so it lasted about 12 years. Another thing to mention is his shitty temper. He is the kind of man that likes to hear himself talk. Every "talk" we had was just a lecture. I had to hear him drone on for hours about how shitty I am as a kid, how he couldnt disown me cause it wouldnt change anything, how school was the only things in my life that mattered etc. He also has this affinity of taking everything unsatisfactory you have done as well as anything you have said and use it against you to make you feel worthless. For example, I once said I was going to put my home town of Stafford, VA on the map. Ever since that day, everytime I would get more B's then A's or do anything bad that innocent phrase that was suppose to bring confidence  was used to diminish it. My sister and I use to be so afraid of showing him our grades for the simple fact that we knew he was going to be mad, not talk to us for however long it took for him conjure up what he wanted to lecture us about, and then he unleashes it with a slew of insults until he felt better. The joke about all this worth was that he believed degrading us and making us feel like the shittiest human beings on earth was going to motivate us to do better if he said "I know you can do better" at the end of his angry rant. Now this was me as a kid, to talk about how our relationship turned from him lecturing me daily to us not talking at all  I get to talk about me.

me
I want to start of this section by saying that my fathers attitude toward me did not come out of a vaccumm. I have lied whenever I have gone out in order to stay out longer or to go out when im not normally. I often disobeyed what they asked not out of spite but sheer laziness. I was an average kid essentially behavior wise. In school I got grades that most of my friends wish they could. I always got A's with no effort. School only became a problem for my parents when I started getting B's. You read that right. When I started to get B's here and there I was told a multitude of things from, I'm going to go to jail, I will turn gay, I will end up homeless, I don't care about my future. Those are the things my father would tell me consistently because I did not live up to his expectations. My mom would just defned his actions saying he has a bad temper and we should know that. Sometimes she would defend my sister and I but most of the time she let him say whatever he wants. And thought the years of neglect and degradation of my character I thought I could tough it out until high school. When college came I was forced to stay home with them cause they caught me smoking marijuana and felt campus life wasnt for me. I ended up spending two of the worst years of my life at GMU. My grades dropped along with my happiness. And hopefully you know my father well enough to know that the slew of insults did not change at all. This high standard that I was held upon did not warrent the extreme reactions he has toward even my most benign actions. Now let me get close to the end of this tale with a few events that I will never forget or forgive him for (and hopefully you won't either). In Va, he was mad at me and I was mad at him but the context of the argument escapes me. He continuously egged me on saying "Why are you looking at me like you want to hit me?", "Come on hit me you look mad enough?". As I continued to glare he decided to get physical and began placing his hand on my cheek in order to bait a reaction from me. He did the same thing again when he found my mason jar full of left over roaches when we were in FL. However, when he put his hand on my cheek, the instant I slapped it away he cocked his fist pack ready to punch me. As I did the same my sister started crying and my mom started to yell. We started at each other intensely and all I was hoping for was that this mother fucker would hit me so I could get vengence for all my pent up aggression. Another event worth mentioning was when we began speaking to each other again because I was putting my best foot forward to go to school in florida. the day before this event we talked about me calling the school the next day to get some information. Next day comes and I wake up and decide to start my morning chilling and watching whatever show I decided to binge. The man comes in my room and askes if I called the school. I tell him I was going to do it later. He begins to get mad asking why didn't I do it as soon as I woke up. I respond telling him that calling them now versus calling them an hour later will make little to no difference. thats when he began to rage and we started to fight. His reason for being mad was because if i really cared about going to school it should have been the first thing I did. He projected his own vision of what I was suppose to do and got mad when I betrayed that vision. And last but not least, the number one thing I will never ever live down is when he told me to kill my self. That I would be better of dead then alive since I wasn't  going to school and my future was bleek. If that isn't the definition of extreme then please give me another one.
closing
In closing, I am telling this story about my family in relation to me because I am planning to move out during the new year. I don't want to live in a household around my dad anymore. My dream is to achieve freedom and happiness. My mom believes finding happiness is a fools errand but I am too hopeful for that. I am hoping those of you that have been through similar experiences or can atleast understand my pain could help me out. My goal is $4,000 in order to make my trip successful. Now I will state that I have a plan regardless but in case I fail I am using the tale of my personal life as a contingency plan. I just want to say thank you to anyone and everyone that heard my voice. I wish you all a great day and a happy new year!

My Dad

That is my sad affiliation with this man. He is my father. I wish he was not but the universe made it so in spite of me. I use to enjoy his company when I was little. He was fun and I was truly happy. Even though my ignorance created my bliss I enjoyed all that it had to offer. As I got older he became more strict with me. This transition was rough but I felt I handled it alright. But along the way the bullshit my dad has done became more apparent to me and I began to despise him.
He is an analytical, judgmental, bi-polar asshole that will take everything from my past that I have done wrong and use it against me. I do not want him to praise me for what I do right, like I did as a child, but if he could not be an asshole about everything then that would be great too. He yells and gets me upset and then the next minute he is all better. He talks shit about me and instantly he feels better yet I am the one feeling like crap. Sometimes he does praise me but his insults bring me down many more levels then his praise is ever worth. I use to still love him since he is my father. I use to seem him as God and I couldn't say anything ill will toward him. But recent events have drawn my eyes to a new light. My father (excuse the cussing) is a fucking piece of shit that needs to stop getting me angry for his own fucking pleasure just because he gets made for every fucking thing and he tells me I need to get my demons out yet he is the fucking demon messing up my life. He is a fucking piss ant that can fuck off and go to hell. I am done with all the shit that comes with being his son. And whether I go to college, campus, die or whatever. If I am away from him I could careless about what happens in the after life. Because after the experience I have had with this man then I can say that anything is better than his shit. On a side note I swear he wants to fight me when he is mad. If he ever does I am sadden to say that I would fight him back if it ever got to that point. Hatred is a sad thing that can conquer what use to be love & respect.

Respect is not gained

I write this knowing that people will assume an event just occurred in my life where respect was an issue. Those people have assumed right though. While I was getting yelled at an yelling over something petty I realized that the argument has divulge from "Who messed up my charger" to "Why are you not respecting me". Apparently I must respect someone because of their status even though they treat me like dirt. How can I respect someone who sees me as crap regardless of what I do (i.e. my father). I mean I guess I should respect everyone who says I won't make it in life and I am going to fail. I mean I would love to respect someone that talks behind my back to insult me.
There is one event I recall that made me realize how different I am from my family. When we were watching one of those award shows one night we all sat in the living room to watch it. Now granted I  was 7 or 8 but I still remember it quite clearly. The three members of my family say on the couch together to watch it and I sat separately from them. I realized how perfect the family would be if it was just the three of them. I felt that I did not belong. I still think that now. I had a secret hope that I was adopted so it could explain my temperament. The answer is hatred. I have a deep seeded hatred for my parents that I was never able to express until I was 17 years of age. They have said stuff to me that would make any normal person despise them for the rest of their lives. It is partly my fault for not expressing my sentiment whenever they got me mad. They got to express how mad they were all the time yet I had to keep quiet. If I talked back, regardless of my volume, I would be yelled at for being disrespectful. I guess that is why I cry. I cry because I cannot let out my anger by yelling. All the rage I have held in for 17+ years is transferred to tears because I have never been a confrontational person. This realization made me realize that I do not care if you are my friend, buddy, girlfriend, best friend, sister, mother or father, if you do not respect me and you are able to talk bad about me to and behind my face then do not expect me to do the same. I cannot care less if you are my family or not. Respect is Respect. It is a universal thing.  On a side note I really hate my dad.